Ramblings from Sept 2010

I had written these two things down on a couple different mornings but I wanted to get them off a scrap of paper and onto something I have a shot at not losing. Unedited, except when you see ellipses I omitted things I felt irrelevant. 

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It's strange when you think about it - the way people can haunt you. I think about crazy people - people whose minds have got the best of them, and I realize any of us can go that route. Think of loved ones who've died, or simply loves lost. They're gone, and you know that, you are consciously aware of it, and yet there they are, in your head, dancing around and telling you jokes and being so much more than a person who isn't here any longer.
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It's not even just the memories you're left with, or the imaginings of encounters that did or did not take place - it's something else. An impression - some indelible mark that can't be explained and that does not go away with the passing of time. I suppose love does that to you. But I feel that way with people I never loved. Admiration I suppose could do it, people I look up to and respect. No wonder it's so hard when our idols fall - we have to reconcile their actual behaviors with that too-strong mark still etched on  us. How difficult.

"In the space of expectation, many visitors come and go, as a haunting." I keep thinking of that line from a play I was in. I suppose if I pondered the "expectation" aspect of that thought I would get a bit further here, but, time is up. The outside world is starting and I must begin with it.

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9/13/10

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Every time I think about work I get stressed out. There's always a project I feel behind on, or something I think I've forgotten. I honestly believe there's a job out there for me that does not make me feel like this. Yesterday at the end of yoga, the instructor was guiding us through a meditation to find a space where we felt relaxed, where we felt the "one-ness" of the world within us. I thought of two places.

The first, of course, was Indonesia. I imagined myself on the dock at base camp - specifically the night we slept out underneath the stars, when Marcus told us he was going to propose to his girlfriend. I think I felt very adult in that moment - to share in a secret that was about love and him choosing to be with someone for the rest of his life. Plus I was surrounded by my team, who I loved, with the ocean lapping beneath the slats below us and quite literally a million stars above. If I ever felt "one-ness" it was then.

The other thing I thought of was the play I did earlier this year. I thought back to rehearsals where I was trying to create my character, where we'd discuss the play as a cast and I felt it as it unfolded. Where we could explore emotions and thoughts and facial expressions and accents. The collaboration of a thing - that's what I loved. To sit down with other people and say, ok, how are we going to do this. And to do it in an atmosphere of creativity and play, well, that is my dream come true.
I think that's it for today.