Burn Baby Burn

Are you ever wasting away your minutes hours on the interwebs (aka pinterest) and then have a moment of clarity and think, what in the heck am I doing with my life? Stop, put the computer down, and go live. I have had that moment many times, but recently it's been less of a moment and more of a constant wondering of what am I doing with my life. They say how your spend your days is how you spend your life. If that's true, my life is going to be spent wasting time on the internet, enjoying some hilarious television, laughing lots with my crazy daughter and loving husband, and cleaning. Lots and lots of cleaning. And even though every day I do cleaning-type things around my house, it's never enough. It is always dirty. Make no mistake, when I say always, I really mean it. I'm not trying to be modest or anything, and I have both a husband and a roommate who will attest to the fact that this chick is no clean freak. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother? When I get to heaven, will God really be happy I spent so much time trying to keep a tidy house? I don't know.

So I've been thinking about purpose and calling and all those other Christian-y words that people use when they're talking about what they should be doing with their life. And I know being a mom is what I'm supposed to be doing, but I also know there is supposed to be something MORE I am doing. And I don't mean that in a glamorous way, what I mean is that only one person in the entire world knows whether or not you are living up to your potential or not, and it's you. No one else can be the judge of that. And I'm telling you, this stay-at-home mom gig is not all that I have in me. I have more. And I don't know exactly what it is or how I'm supposed to share it, but I'm working on it.

I have a firm belief that the more your focus on you, you, you, the more miserable you will become. Obviously self-reflection is great and healthy and can lead to some real wisdom, but when you focus only on what you think will make you happy, it can be a little, well, selfish. Sometimes you need that, but a lot of the time I think we would all be a lot happier if we just focused on helping others. So I started volunteering at my church to help with Sunday school for the 3 and 4 year olds. Not because I was dying to do it, but because there was a need I knew I could help fill. And when friends or family need a babysitter for their little ones, I say yes, because man alive, us mama's need a babysitter every now and again.

And I'm trying to write. Not here, obviously, because you have not been seeing any posts coming out of this here blog, but I have been journaling. And kicking around some ideas for a novel. I'm not so sure about this blogging thing. I don't think I'm very good at it and I don't think it's the best medium for my writing, but maybe I need to try a little harder. I have so many half-finished posts that I never thought were good enough to put up, so I didn't. I am really bad at taking criticism (just ask Nick), so maybe blogging is something I need to do for a while so I get used to opening myself up in a public place?

I just want to live better, you know? Live out loud. Live with purpose. There are two quotes that come to mind, the first from Mrs. June Carter Cash, "I'm just trying to matter." And the second, this second one I love. "When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire." Don't you want that to be true some days. Don't you just want to LIGHT UP. Burn with a fire so wild that when it's out there's nothing left - just a wide open space for lots of new things to grow.

Here's hoping.